Bad news seems to be overly prevalent these days. Getting laid off; not getting a job you’ve worked hard pitching to a potential client; getting turned down for a third date; telling your partner they let you down; not getting a job you’ve applied to; or telling your employee that a co-worker complained about something they did (yet they had no idea).
We’ve all experienced at least a few of these scenarios, or at least know someone who’s experienced some.
We hear the stories:
- Getting laid off via a ‘pink slip.’ Did you even get to say good-bye to your boss/team?
- Hearing you didn’t get the job you’d been pitching through a third party. What happened to your contact you’d been working with?
- Never hearing back from that second date. You thought it’d gone well… what happened?
- Avoiding your partner and wishing they just ‘knew’ what was wrong. Resentment starts to build.
- Never hearing from a potential employer. Did they even receive your application?
- Hearing from your boss that your co-worker went to their boss, who went to your boss, who came to you with the problem. Um… are we playing ‘telephone’?
My friend Steve posted this quote from Albus Dumbledore (of the Harry Potter series) on his blog a few days ago and it seemed to hit on this subject as well:
“It takes a great deal of courage to stand up to your enemies, but a great deal more to stand up to your friends.”
It takes a great deal of courage to stand up and be honest. Period. And Dumbledore, in all his wisdom, is right. We don’t like to hurt those we’re close to, or those we’ve built a relationship with.
I see it happening much more often in business relationships.
yep. it’s hard.
Being direct is hard. Most people avoid it or dread it, panic over it or simply deny it. We hate being the bearer of bad news. We try to sugarcoat the news and soften the blow. We hope someone else might’ve taken care of it so we don’t have to. And we blindly believe (or hope) if we don’t address it, it’ll eventually go away. And sure, maybe sometimes it will.
But more often than not, being direct and being honest has loads more benefit than any of the above actions (or inactions).
being direct demonstrates respect.
Being direct shows an active respect for yourself and for the recipient. Integrity demands honesty, even when it doesn’t feel good. Feeling as though you’ve been left in the dark (as so often happens) is often far worse than knowing the truth—even when it’s a truth we’d rather not hear.
Telling a potential vendor they didn’t get the bid because of [insert reason here] is important to both you and the vendor. If you’re the one that is involved in the relationship but drop out of the negotiations without a word, your personal integrity is put into question and ultimately the company you represent. And your vendor deserves the respect of an honest answer from you. You built and developed the relationship.
why is it so hard?
I’d wager that we’re all in agreement that being direct and honest is important and we should all do it. Yet so, so many of us (myself included) have moments of avoidance (some more than others).
Why is it so hard to be honest with others? Just “tell the truth” right? Well, unfortunately, when more than one person is involved, emotions, reactions, interpretations and personalities come into play.
Quite simply, we’re afraid. We’re not necessarily afraid of being honest, but afraid of what reaction that honesty might provoke. We don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. We don’t want to be blamed. We don’t feel like dealing with the reactions. We have all experienced situations when the person we were honest with “couldn’t take it.” They cried. They got angry. They accused us of meddling, or misinterpreting the facts. Rumors began to circulate. You felt attacked by their reaction. They stopped talking to you. They got really passive-aggressive and said ‘it’s fine‘ when it really wasn’t.
It’s not only the person bearing the bad news that has a responsibility.
listening.
Is it hard to hear that your running partner wants to train faster on some days and that means that they want to run with other, faster, runners a few days a week, and not you? Of course.
Is it hard to hear that you didn’t get the job? Yep, absolutely. Especially now. But would you rather be left in the dark and not hear? Would you rather never know what it was that caused the decision to go against you or your company? Was it budget? Was it your level of professionalism? Was it out of your contact’s hands and the nephew of the boss was hired?
The truth is, there are generally very valuable lessons to learn from bad news. It makes us think. It makes us reflect and take a look at ourselves, our actions and our beliefs. Maybe our perceptions are wrong.
You might learn more about who your target audience is. Are you pitching a $1,000 product to clients with a $50 budget? Good to know.
Did you claim to be detail-oriented on your resume and spell ‘detail’ wrong? (I’ve seen it.) It’s important to know so you can fix it for the next one you send out.
Did your contact for a potential job fight for you to be hired but ultimately lose? Good to know you have someone in your corner you can continue to develop a relationship with. The person they did hire might totally screw up and who will they call then? You, perhaps?
going around in circles
I think there’s a cycle that happens in giving and receiving information. We want to be direct, but don’t know how the other person will take it, so we chicken out. We soften the truth a little. Or avoid it. Or convince ourselves it’s fine and not *really* a big deal. Maybe we say to ourselves that it’s our problem and not worth bringing up.
We don’t get any practice being direct. And sure enough, when we are, a lot of times we do offend. Or feeling do get hurt. Or we are misunderstood. Our fears suddenly seem valid.
breaking the cycle
We must learn to receive with grace. This is our responsibility and how, I believe, we can break the cycle. Whether it’s criticism, rejection or just plain bad news, we need to create the capacity within ourselves to receive it with grace.
This doesn’t mean we have to agree with the remark or decision. But when we listen and accept what’s being said with integrity and respect, something extraordinary happens… trust is planted. And as we continue to receive with grace, trust is built. People become more comfortable sharing and delivering bad news.
If, upon hearing that a competitor has been awarded a job you’d bid on, you react with anger and belittle the company for hiring them (“Why’d you hire them? They can’t do the job”), it will not only make you look like a poor loser (and an idiot), but very likely if the company did end up having issues with your competitor, they’re highly unlikely to come crawling back to you.
On the other hand, if you accept the news with good spirits and appreciation (“Thanks so much for letting us know. If you need anything, don’t hesitate to call.”), maybe even complimenting the competitor’s work, you’re leaving a mature, professional impression on your contact that could open many doors (and recommendations) for you.
growing up
So often our inner child comes out when we hear something we don’t want to. We tend to be fiercely protective of our egos and react instinctively. It’s natural to feel discouraged, angry, disappointed or to plain disagree when someone gives us bad news, rejects us, or criticizes us.
Yet if we can receive the news with grace and with respect for ourselves and the giver-of-the-news, we begin a new cycle of honesty and maturity. We teach each other that it really is okay to speak the truth. We reinforce the idea that ‘we can handle it.‘ And we preserve the dignity and integrity of ourselves (even strengthening it), by providing the person relaying bad news a receptive and safe environment.
We demonstrate maturity, compassion, respect and integrity when we are able to receive information (wanted or unwanted) with grace.
I wonder what would happen if we all began to receive news with more grace? Would others begin to feel more confident in giving bad news? Would we, as a society, learn to be more honest with each other and grow from the experience? Would telling the truth (especially hard truths) become easier?
