the “g” word
March has been a busy month for me. It’s been a frustrating training month for a variety of reasons. As some of you know, I have signed up for my first 50-mile trail run. Yep, you read that correctly… 50 miles. 

As part of my training, I recently completed the Moab Red Hot 50K+ on Valentine’s Day. I ran 34 miles and finished strong. It was afterwards that I fell apart. I’m not exactly sure what happened, but logging a total of 70 miles for the entire month of March (that should be my weekly mileage this close to my race), is a clear indication that something isn’t quite right. And it’s certainly not the recommended way to train.

My best guess as to what happened is this: I didn’t put in enough training miles leading up to the 50K, so I didn’t recover as quickly as I’d hoped. I then fell out of the habit of training and continued to put it off. I indulged in making up tons of excuses as to why I couldn’t run (too tired; too busy; too much in pain; too snowy; etc.). Granted, I started a new part-time job in March, began to plan my wedding in ernest, caught a bad cold and was, in general, feeling extremely fatigued and unmotivated. But those are merely excuses and justifications. I made a commitment to myself.

While I was justifying all the missed runs to myself, I was also adding stress because I knew I needed to be running. And not running or training added to my stress levels because of the “G” word.

Guilt.

I knew I wasn’t putting in the mileage I needed. I felt like I’d lost the key to my motivation and commitment. I wasn’t enjoying the runs I did go on. I felt weak. I felt like I was actively failing not only in my training, but in life management. Negativity begets more negativity… a nasty cycle.

permission
So  here is April. Blue skies, spring around the corner and my race exactly one month from today. I am resting today. I have given myself permission to take today off. It’s a tough thing to do. I cannot make up the miles I missed. To even make an attempt to do so is training suicide. I’d run myself into the ground, risking injury and would be fatigued and depleted for race-day. So what to do?

Being a fairly driven woman who believes in staying active and purposeful, I am still learning to juggle multiple jobs and to navigate the balance of self-employment. A day off for me rarely feels like a luxury. It often feels like I should be doing something “useful” or “constructive.” I think about all the projects I have on my “to-do” list. I think of all the things I could be doing to generate an income. I think of all the miles I could be running to make up for the absent miles of March. I don’t feel productive. I don’t feel like I “deserve” the day of rest.

But here’s the thing I know intellectually (but it’s still difficult to execute in reality). I know that giving myself a mental and physical break, or rest day, is essential to increased efficiency and motivation. Running 50 miles is more than a physical effort—It’s a lot of mental strength. And if my brain is mired in guilt and rumination and self-flagellation, that 50 miles will become 100, or 1,000. An impossible length to run because my brain is busy elsewhere (likely telling me I can’t do it).

And with regards to my job, if I work and work and work without a break, and without time to process the thoughts and efforts going into the work, any inspiration and motivation will be overcome with frustration and mis-guided effort. It’ll become harder to get things done. It’ll take more time to get things done because half my brain isn’t there. It’s stuck in the land of guilt.

execution
I’ve given myself permission to take a rest day today. And not only permission, but I scheduled it. I planned on taking today off. It’s a funny thing, scheduling it. It works to ward off the guilt. I was mentally prepared (and even excited) to wake up and do with this day what I wanted.

And here I am, happily getting some things done that have suffered in the past month (my blog, reading, calming the mind). They don’t feel like extraneous or irresponsible things to be doing. 

It feels good to be writing again (I’ve missed it). If feels good to drink my coffee and catch up on my reading. And it’s going to feel really good to curl up on the couch with my current book. 

Tomorrow I will go on my scheduled run. I will catch up on my work emails and cross more things off that to-do list.

I am excited about running again. And I know that while I may suffer a little (or a lot) for not putting in the miles I’d wanted, I will finish the race. I will be present mentally and that’s going to be half the battle. I’ve adjusted my strategy a little to save energy I’ll need. But I will run and I will finish. And I will NOT try to “make up” for March. 

And for the next race, maybe I’ll train a little smarter and a little better.

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