This is another in my series of “defining moments“: Moments in my life that changed me in a significant way.
***
I stared out the window as we traveled west. The rolling sands of the desert passed by, punctuated with cactus and tumbleweed. The red sands in the distance beckoned. Moab was getting closer.
I inhaled the warm air as it blew through the open window; my hand hung outside, feeling the resistance of the air around my fingers. I leaned over and turned up the music.
Looking out at the open vistas I felt my body relax a little more with each mile between myself and my job. The stress was taking its toll. The music lilted through the air and my ears perked up. I turned the volume up again to hear the words a little clearer, and began to fall in love.
I replayed it over and over. And over. And over again. My thoughts suddenly spinning in my head.
It wasn’t just that Nine Inch Nails could write such a hauntingly beautiful melody. Its’ magnetic pull was so much more. In this particular song, the piano gently moved through the verses, weaving through the lyrics, exploring their depths; its beauty and simplicity underscoring the weight of the words.
“If you look at your reflection, is it all you want it to be?”
Was I happy? Was I living a life I was proud of? That excited me? That fulfilled me? Was I making a difference?
The next question rose up:
“And if you could look right through the cracks, would you find yourself afraid to see?”
Could I look at myself with honesty? With pride? With confidence? Without apology? Could I look at my cracks—my faults and weaknesses and failures—and see them? Did I even recognize them? Or would I deny them? Would I ignore them and pretend they weren’t there? Could I see my unhappiness? My stress?
The answers started coming as quiet, unconscious rumbles in my heart. As I tasted and explored the words, seeds of change began to vibrate from my cells and into my blood, inching their way into my thoughts and my consciousness.
In that moment—driving into the desert at 80 mph listening to Nine Inch Nails—the course of the next 18 months of my life shifted dramatically. It was a subtle, and quite simple beginning to a new way of life.
***
Back home (after having listened to the song another ten, fifteen, twenty times), I thought that maybe taking a literal interpretation of the lyrics might offer some insight. I sat in front of my mirror and looked at myself. Really stared into my own eyes. What did I see? What was I afraid of? Who was this woman staring back at me?
I knew something needed to change in a big way. My job was wearing down my confidence and it felt like my soul was dissolving. I didn’t recognize myself.
I listened to this song every day during my commute to and from work. It sunk into my blood. This particular phrase playing louder in my mind.
Its message spoke to me; invited me to look at myself openly and honestly. The one area of my life I wasn’t happy with was overpowering and affecting every other part of my life. My friends were tired of hearing my complaints and I was oh-so-tired of complaining and feeling small.
I didn’t want to become a bitter, stressed-out person. I didn’t want to miss out on life. I didn’t want to be embarrassed by my own reflection. I didn’t want to shrink away and make excuses for myself and my unhappiness.
“If you look at your reflection, is it all you want it to be?”
No. I wanted to be more. I wanted to walk in honesty and truth from my innermost core. And I wanted every aspect of my life to reflect that—not just one or two areas.
“And if you could look right through the cracks, would you find yourself afraid to see?”
No. I’m not afraid of myself and who I am. I will stand strong and walk through my fears and hesitations, becoming all I want to be.
I realized that, in fact, I wasn’t afraid to see; that the “elaborate dream” I was living in could change. I welcomed the sight of my uncertainties and my misery because it’s exactly what was motivating me to act. I’d been on automatic pilot, assuming someone else knew how to drive my life. I’d thought that maybe everyone else knew better than me, and I was missing some vital information.
But no. As my eyes opened into this new consciousness, I knew I was the only one qualified and trained to drive my own life (duh). It scared me. I was disappointed I hadn’t taken action before. I was mad at myself for falling asleep at the wheel.
The message got into my bloodstream and into my heart. My desire to change things began to outweigh my fear of losing an income and being seen as a failure in my corporate job.
***
I have long held the belief that change is always a possibility when things aren’t going well. We can look around, see new paths and take action. The problem is that our awareness of the possibilities can so often narrow when we’re unhappy and stuck in a rut of routine and expectation.
When I heard this song, listened to the lyrics and asked myself these questions, a door opened. And then another. I could see a little clearer and my options expanded. The fog started to lift and possibilities emerged.
The importance I’d placed on my job began to disintegrate. My strength grew. Each time I heard the song, my confidence in the truth I’d known all along, yet was afraid to face, grew with it. I became excited and more interested in what life had in store for me around the corner.
It didn’t happen overnight, but slowly, over the days and months that followed that fall road trip. Each day of greater clarity fed my soul. The following spring, I quit my job. I didn’t have a set plan, but knew I needed the time away from the stress and pressure to find a career I loved.
***
Change—even the good kind of change we choose—is hard. It’s challenging. There are moments we question and second-guess ourselves, wondering if the past wasn’t better; that maybe we’d made a mistake.
Yet when we keep our eyes open; keep asking ourselves the difficult questions; keep looking into our own mirrors at who we are; we grow and expand and create a vast space of acceptance and beauty.
***
reference:
“what if everything around you isn’t quite as it seems?
what if all the world you think you know, is an elaborate dream?
and if you look at your reflection is it all you want it to be?
what if you could look right through the cracks? would you find yourself… find yourself afraid to see?”
– exerpt from the song, “Right Where You Belong,” by Trent Reznor of Nine Inch Nails
