integration

Amy C — Mon, 01 Dec 2008 03:53:00 +0000

Every birthday, I take stock of the previous year and set goals for ‘my’ year ahead. Over the past year, with so many changes on the horizon, I’d been feeling out of touch with my past selves… the violinist, the ballet dancer, the girl on the pom squad, the college girl, the seamstress, the scrapbooker, the choral singer, the one afraid of hiking too far, the girl who couldn’t bike up a short hill, the girl who thought running 5 miles was a loooong way…

As I have moved forward into the woman I am today, I seem to shed the old skin of yesterday to make room for today and tomorrow. To create room for the new, I have, at times, stripped away more of the past than I’d wanted. I’ve tried to ‘pick and choose’ the past moments I keep around, hoping to shed the regrets, the shameful/tactless moments and choices, the embarrassments, the identities I don’t relate to much anymore, and to keep all the joyful, generous and graceful moments (ah, but wouldn’t that be nice?).

Alas, all of these ‘selves’ are important and still very much a part of who I am today. They have all been a part of the journey into the woman I have become (and am becoming).

My goal for this year is to work on integrating the dismissed and ignored moments and selves of my past into my present, with the objective of accepting ALL of me (warts and all) as I take the opportunity to shed a new layer of skin and create a newer, further evolved self–this one wiser, stronger, more courageous and graceful.

However, I wasn’t quite sure how I was going to accomplish this seemingly monumental task of integration.

Then, a couple of weeks ago, I finally got around to signing onto facebook, and all of a sudden, {WHAM!!} people from all stages of my past have appeared, triggering a rush of memories and emotions.

It continually amazes me how often setting intentions, unlocking doors and opening your eyes can work together to manifest and create exactly what you’re looking for.

I am no longer afraid to peer into my past. I am not that girl anymore, and I am excited to explore, through new and older (and more mature) eyes, the relationships, actions and choices I made in my younger days. I am interested to objectively see myself and accept myself more fully and deeply.

And I am so very grateful for the opportunity to fully integrate my past ‘me’ into my present self.

becoming

Amy C — Tue, 28 Oct 2008 02:14:00 +0000

The heat of the sun.

The rushing water below.

Insects hovering.

The wind across my face.

I delve inward. Seeking strength.

Drawing out memories of pain

To examine. To accept. And to let go.

Into the wind… toward the sun. Burning

Into particles of joy & sunshine.

I am seeking freedom in this wild place.

Freedom to embrace my past.

Freedom to treasure my present.

Freedom to create my future.

Freedom to become.

To become more. Stronger. Lighter. Joyful.

To recognize and harness my power.

To act without fear. To raise my voice with confidence.

I have something to say.

I am here to draw on the power I feel.

In solitude. In stillness. In light.

~Written 7.31.08, on the eve of my (most recent) birthday while camping alone in the backcountry for the first time.

Each year on or around my birthday, I find some time to remember the past year and all I’ve accomplished and how I’ve changed. And then I look ahead to what the coming year might bring. What my goals are. What I’m hoping to experience, etc. With the decision to quit my job and explore a brand new path, this year is one for discovery and creation, both externally and internally. I am learning so much about what is out there in the world, what’s going on, and more about who I am and who I want to be.

The time I have to sit in a space and consciously listen to myself and really see me is a new experience for me. I find myself noticing patterns from my past creeping in. Immediate reactions to situations that come up I see a little more objectively and try to reassess the situation with a clearer mind (although it’s still quite a challenge to reign them in). I notice colors, smells, sounds, expressions, nuances. My senses are more acute; more aware; more intense.

I am so grateful for this time I have, yet find myself seeking reminders (i.e., my poem above) when I need to remember that what I’m going through is normal; that the ups and downs I’m experiencing are all part of the growing pains of newness. I feel guilty for not being the person I was four months ago. I feel stressed and torn by the expectations of others. And I especially feel discouraged and confused by my own expectations–what the ‘old’ me would do; and what I think the ‘new-as-yet-undefined me’ should be doing.

Rereading the poem is grounding. It serves as a reminder that I have not lost my way. That I am staying true to my goal to expand within and move forward through my life with purpose and grace.

I know everything I’m going through, seeing and feeling is bringing me closer to that goal. And that it’s a lifetime journey full of experiences and moments. The signs are all there. Yet with this clearer vision comes more accountability and responsibility. I can no longer hide within my job, within a label of ‘what I do.’ I have chosen to live more deliberately and aware. I have chosen to feel more acutely the experiences of life–the failings, joys, surprises, disappointments, beauty, awe, sorrow and brilliance. I wasn’t expecting it all to feel so amplified in so many ways. The volume and intensity can be overwhelming.

Yet finding simple reminders is encouraging. They serve as mantras to repeat when I’m feeling the weight of the world. Today, my mantra is, “I have the freedom to become. I have a voice. I have something to say.” And I will take this time to embrace all of it; to acknowledge the challenges and the beauty of the process; and find compassion within me (and for me) as I become more of who I already am.

amelia carolyn » birthday

integration

becoming