I struggle in my daily search for balance. I strive to keep myself grounded among all the contradictions I find myself faced with. There’s a feeling much like tug-of-war between my core self and the values I feel are important to me, and the society that surrounds me and the habits I grew up with.
I was on a 22-mile training run recently and the topic of these contradictions came up. We talked about our shared desire to simplify and purge, with the desire for “stuff” and “things.” It was a timely discussion as I’d been thinking about it a lot lately, both with regards to the process of planning a wedding and the discipline needed to stay within a strict budget. It was refreshing to hear that others experience a similar struggle.
what influences me?
I admit it. I like things. Particular “things” have an ability to make me happy. I love the cute tops at PrAna and finding a great pair of climbing pants on sale. I love buying pretty journals and flowers for the table. I love quality food and good wine. I prefer cashmere over cotton. And I want a cool lamp for my office, the new updated software that just came out (take your pick) and a new pair of shoes for that dress I just bought on sale.
I also like space (and a dislike for clutter and mess). I prefer a minimalist style of decor (think Dwell). It’s one of the reasons I think Colorado fits me so well. I feel calm and connected when I have a view of the wide, open spaces with the endless blue skies stretching out before me. I like the idea of living simply and honestly. I want to do things in ways that lessen my impact on the earth.
representing our values.
Around the time I turned 30, my world seemed to open up a little bit. I’m not sure where exactly it started, but I remember working hard to learn more about why I wasn’t where I’d thought I’d be in life at that time. And I think it’s about the time the idea of planning a wedding began to seem more and more remote. I spent years pushing the idea of a wedding below the surface. I was single and decided to create an alternate path for my future that didn’t include marriage.
Journey A: I meet someone and we get married.
Journey B: I don’t meet someone and never get married.
They were simple paths that BOTH led to happiness and success in my mind. I was okay with the alternate plan and felt good that it allowed a new definition for a “successful” life that didn’t include getting married, or possibly the absence of a life partner. It was exciting and refreshing to think that there may be something else out there for me.
I grew up in white, middle-class suburbia. Getting married for me and my sister was a no-other-option-really-crossed-our-minds expectation. We didn’t questions that {gasp!} we might not get married. So I found great comfort and empowerment through my early 30s when I realized that that particular line of thinking could be quite disastrous. Would I be less of a person if it didn’t happen? Less of a success? Would my life be meaningless?
As these questions began to come up, I saw the irrational argument in them; the recipe for unhappiness and disillusionment if I continued that line of thinking. I am thankful that I didn’t have to think too hard or dig too deep to realize and acknowledge that marriage was simply another experience in life that some (okay, most) people experience and others don’t. I knew deep down it did not lessen my individual importance.
The acceptance of this thought was part no-brainer and part revolutionary. It opened up so many ideas and possibilities.
delving deeper
I started digging deeper and asking myself more probing questions. What else have I assumed about life that might not be exactly true? What other assumptions do I operate under that might not be the only way?
And so it began… new experiences before me; perceptions shifted; the comfortable and the easy questioned. My life opened in more ways than I can articulate. Like the Colorado sky, my world stood before me open and inviting.
the struggle of contradictions.
Alas, with these new ideas swirling in my head, I’ve realized that the easy way is easy for a reason. You don’t have to think about it. Easy tends to happen to us.
Thinking about, and choosing a new way to operate is certainly not an easy or intuitive path. Because I’d learned how to live (and had been living) the “easy” way for 30 years, changing my reactions, habits and behaviors didn’t come natural to me (and still doesn’t).
For example, since expanding my palate for fresh and healthy food, I have learned how to cook chicken and steam veggies. Yet I default to spaghetti or grilled cheese when I’m really hungry because it’s easy. And familiar.
I love bringing my own bags to the grocery store instead of using their plastic ones, yet I often forget to bring them along. I love my new townie and love being free of my car for going about town. But I default to my car when it’s cold, or I’m running late or when I’m just tired.
continuing on the path
And so it goes with the many changes and plans I’m making these days. I have posted before about the transitions I’ve been going through: Sharing a new home. Preparing for a wedding and a marriage. I left a safe job for new opportunities and to explore other career directions.
The experience of planning my wedding has been such a clear magnification of the contradictions I experience on a personal (and larger) perspective. I want simple and intimate, and I want 150 close friends and family to celebrate and bear witness. I want to throw a kick-ass party with wine and beer flowing, and I want the non-drinking contingency of our families to feel comfortable.
I want to honor the occasion and commitment with certain traditions yet want to avoid the hoopla and “Wedding Industry Complex.” I have imagined creating pretty, handmade invitations and favors… yet know those will be thrown away eventually and forgotten. And I know deep in my core that it’s the community and connection that will be cherished and remembered. The color of the table linens or the food we provide will not be noticed.
I struggle to know what will feel important to me in hindsight. Will I regret not paying attention to more of the details? Or might I regret not taking it seriously “enough” and come away with a feeling that I’d been too casual for such an important moment in my life?
Life is about the moments. I get it. I believe it. And I strive to live it, and I want to honor each and every one. Yet the pull of material and tangible things is just that: a pull. When do I resist? When do I push back against it and when do I let go and accept that it’s okay to have things sometimes?
the collective consciousness of consumerism.
We are inundated with messages to “buy now” and to compare ourselves with what others have (or don’t). There are very few examples of how to live simply. We have to dig to find them. Or somehow stumble upon them. We’re rarely shown how to say “no” and stand strong. This post speaks to it quite eloquently, yet I found it because a good friend wrote it. It’s not on the front page of cnn (although maybe it should be).
The path I have chosen is not an easy path to follow. And I’m not saying it should be easy. On the contrary, I believe hard work creates a deep sense of connection and responsibility for your actions and choices. But I also know it sometimes feels inaccessible.
I find myself doing things that contradict my goals because it’s the way I’ve always done it. Or because it’s easier. Or, most often, I just don’t know about an alternate way to do it. I’m constantly learning and absorbing new information and while it’s exciting and helpful and empowering, it’s also overwhelming, time-consuming and discouraging when it doesn’t happen right away.
so what to do?
I don’t have an answer for you or myself on how to manage the discrepancy of messages in our society; finding a sense of balance between our pasts, and our desires for the futures. But there are a few things I do try to keep in mind that has helped me these last few years of navigation.
Get to know your core beliefs and keep them in mind. Revisit them and challenge them. Ask yourself, “What do I really believe? What’s really important to me? What resonates inside and makes my heart full?” For me, it’s often rich experiences and meaningful, mutual relationships.
I do believe the safety and comfort of “things” is okay. I believe it’s natural to want to nest and create a home where you can be you and be comfortable. But I also want to make sure it’s really “me” that’s wanting certain things, and not the “me-others-expect.”
I constantly ask myself, “what makes me smile?” “What makes me feel full? content?” “WHY is this ‘thing’ important to me?” Maybe it’s a shirt. Will it really add to my life? Do I need it or do I want it? And wanting it is fine—as long as I can acknowledge that and feel good about it.
We are the only ones that can answer these questions for ourselves. We cannot look to others to know what’s in our heart.
I believe the key to navigating through the contradictions and being at peace with our own actions is to forgo acting on automatic pilot and be sure we’re making conscious decisions based on our true beliefs, knowledge and what’s in our hearts.
