I want wrinkles. Yep. I know. I’m weird. But it’s true. I don’t mind the idea of getting more wrinkled as I get older.

a little history
I’ve spent a lot of time with older folks. I had really close relationships with both my grandmothers. I worked at a nursing home for three years in my early 20s and I spent another 5 years contracting with assisted living facilities and nursing homes. I truly enjoy being surrounded by the wisdom and humor of folks over 80 (and really, if you’re not yet approaching or over 80… you’re not old). 

Of course there are the smells, needs, lower energy in some of those environments, but I’ve walked away time and again with a deeper respect and appreciation for life’s experiences. I smile more and recognize all the joys and privileges I have on a daily basis. Things I generally take for granted, I have more gratitude for.

our faces tell a story
One of the most noticeable things about old folks are their wrinkles. And I can generally sense when someone has had a happy life, or if they’ve struggled and blamed the world for their woes. It doesn’t matter if they remember them, or if they can tell you in their own words anymore… you can see it etched in the wrinkles of time.

It may sound hokey and a little new-age-y, but I think it’s true and something we can all afford to be reminded of every once in awhile. Our lives and how we live it are reflected in our faces… and the older we get, the more pronounced they become. 

I recently noticed a few wrinkles appearing between my brows… from squinting in the sun; from expressing dislike; confusion; from crying (often my “default” emotion when stressed); perhaps it’s from simple genetics. I don’t know for sure… probably a combination of all of the above. I don’t want these wrinkles, but I can accept them. 

I want the “kind” wrinkles. The “happy” wrinkles. You know the ones I’m talking about… the ones where it looks like the person is perpetually smiling and finding the joy in each moment. The ones that make you smile when you see them. The ones that crinkle around the eyes and seem to light a sparkle behind them.

I want wrinkles that show satisfaction and pride in the choices I’ve made. I want wrinkles that show compassion and joy for each day. I want wrinkles that reflect the love I’ve received and the love I’ve bestowed on others. I want wrinkles that tell the story of a life lived with grace.

creating wrinkles
So how do I plan to create these wonderful and beautiful wrinkles? I plan to smile a little more often. Laugh more, even when I might not want to. Be conscious of frowning and try not to do it so often. Recognize and remember that life is short… all too often it seems “too” short. Too short to feel frustrated, sad, discouraged or disappointed more times than we’re happy, joyful, enthusiastic and energized. Sure, genetics play a role… but since my genetics seem a little pre-disposed to furrowed brows, I can offer them a little bit of help.

Luckily, my wrinkle-creation goal matches a few other life goals I’m striving to pay attention to: living more in the moment; having and showing compassion and love for myself and others; finding joy in each day; forgiving myself and letting the little things go; laughing and being silly. 

So I surrender to the wrinkles of time and hope that when I’m 95, my face will reflect a life well-lived with joy and with grace.

 

best. valentine gift. ever.

best. valentine gift. ever.

 

Valentine’s day… it’s usually associated with flowers, chocolate, hallmark… love… I’m not a huge subscriber to the holiday as a one-day celebration of love. I’d much rather enjoy the day-to-day journey and celebrate the general idea of love. The love for family, friends, the human race… 

So running a 50k(+) trail running race didn’t seem like such a strange way for me to spend the day. What was surprising was I received one of the best Valentine’s gift I’ve ever experienced. At mile 29, I was approaching the 4th aid station, running up a rocky slab, and there’s Bracken—standing there with his camera and smiling. 

To see him there, knowing he’d biked from the 33k route to meet me here… it’s the best description of how “actions speak louder than words” that I can think of. Really. Such a simple gesture, but I smiled and grinned the final 5 miles just thinking of how special that moment was.  

Now, on to the actual race report… Bear with me as this is my very first one! 

I signed up for the race a few months ago as a training race for my first 50-miler (the Collegiate Peaks Trail Run). I started my focused training in the fall, but I’m not sure I trained as well as I would’ve liked. (Is this just me, or do most athletes feel they could’ve trained better?)

Friday afternoon, Bracken and I drove out to Moab, arriving around 7:30. It’s always interesting to me to think about my food intake prior to a race. Especially since this is only my second ultra. I want to make sure I have enough energy, yet I don’t fill up too much and have problems during the race.

We stopped for some thai noodles in Glenwood Springs and settled on some light hummus and pita chips (and, um… chocolate chip cookies, of course!) for the evening. I woke up the next morning at 6:00am, warmed up, and began to contemplate my wardrobe options. Tights? Knickers? Warm hoodie? Windbreaker with light shirt? The weather report predicted snow and wind for most of the day, so I opted for the tights, light shirt with windbreaker, which turned out to be perfect. 

We picked up my friends at the City Market Starbucks and headed to the start line. We arrived an hour ahead of time… plenty of time to get our race numbers, visit the port-a-potty and warm up. 

 

cold and windy before the start

cold and windy before the start

 

10... 9... 8...

lined up and ready: 10... 9... 8...

And then… we were off! I was heading into a full day of pure running. The wind was strong, air cool and snow was wafting down.

3... 2... 1... GO!

3... 2... 1... GO!

Normally, when a race has a lot of vertical, I find I’m far more efficient walking up the inclines and running the descents. This season however, I have been running strong on the inclines around town. So I set a personal goal to run as far as I could without stopping—up, down, flat and through the aid stations.

the first mile

the first mile

For the first 17 miles, I ran slow and steady, not wanting to blow myself up too early. At the third aid station (the halfway point), I finally stopped, adjusting my jacket and making sure my fuel was easily accessible. It was just after this point that my body started breaking down… not a good sign with a full half marathon (plus) left to go.

heading into the first loop

heading into the first loop

I was slowing down and I was worried. I hadn’t run more than 22 miles in training. My knee was hurting on the downs. I was tired. 

At the fourth aid station, I overheard another runner mention ibuprofen and asked if he had any extra… Hallelujah, he did! I took 600mg and it seemed to kick in pretty immediately. With my knee and quads feeling better, I felt a second wind fill me up and off I went. 

magical views of the La Sals

magical views of the La Sals

Instead of pushing myself and running through the hills, I walked the inclines and ran the downhills… my energy and body responded to the new plan quite well. I actually welcomed the inclines as it allowed me to stretch my muscles and switch things up a bit. I actually think I was walking faster than I would’ve run them.

following the pink ribbons

following the pink ribbons

Navigating the trail was a fun challenge. Following pink ribbons blowing in the breeze, hanging from trees and wrapped around rocks reminded me of scavenger hunts as a child. It kept me alert and watchful. And immensely thankful that the course was marked so well. Even on the trail maps, there is a section marked with caution as it’s difficult to follow. I saw a few people running towards me a few times, coming back on trail after having gotten turned around. It was pretty easy to do if you weren’t paying attention. 

I am an interesting runner in terms of speed and strengths. Some days I feel like a mini-metronome… all those years of practicing the violin seem to kick in and I often run the same pace whether it’s up or down (or whether it’s a 5k or a 50k!). And then the flat sections… you know, those sections where most folks breathe a sigh of relief when they happen upon them in a tough race and are able to somehow, magically, pick up speed and make up time? 

 

Not me. I see a flat section of paved or dirt road and my body immediately begins to plod along and I slow down. I haven’t yet figured out what it is about the flats… I think I just get bored, or my body struggles with the repetitiveness. 

relishing the inclines

relishing the inclines

There were more flat sections throughout this course than I had anticipated, but enough cool and interesting rocky jeep trails to keep it interesting. And Moab is simply a magical place. I felt privileged to be running there for the day. 

zen in the desert

zen in the desert

The 6 – 7 miles between the fourth and fifth aid stations felt loooong (roughly miles 22 – 29). I was really thankful I am pretty self-supportive with my water and fuel rather than dependent on the aid stations. (I’m really glad they’re there and it’s a great morale boost, but I like knowing that I can eat and drink when I need to.) I needed the additional sustenance. 

As I approached the final aid station at mile 29, I saw a man standing at the top of the rock I was climbing up. He kept watching me and smiling. I knew Bracken had planned to bike part of the course, but I had no idea he’d decided to wait for me at this aid station… but there he was. It was such an amazing feeling to be running strong, proud of myself for being there, and to see Bracken cheering me on in full support and encouragement… my heart was full.

smiles and grins

smiles and grins

He biked alongside me for a couple of minutes (stopping to take pictures) and then took off to be at the finish. 

As I was nearing the final stretch and heading downhill, a spectator cheered me on and said the magic words: “just a quarter mile to go.” That was all I needed… I’d been looking at the river below, thinking the finish was a lot further away, but nope… just a few more minutes and I’d be done. And the faster I ran, the sooner I’d be there, so I took off and found my flow. The final moments felt so fun and so good, I almost kept on running past the finish. Oops. 

42

7:14:42

I finished the 34(ish) miles in 7:14:42, placing 13th out of 22 in my age group. Not too shabby for a girl whose first-ever mile was run just 9 years ago!

Life seems to slow down when I get sick, even (or maybe especially) when it’s the common cold. I breathe slow. I spend a lot of time on the couch, reading, sleeping and watching bad movies. My mind seems to get mired in molasses, and I find it incredibly hard to think. Working through everyday tasks is a frustratingly slow process.

There are times when I welcome the setback; when life seems particularly overwhelming, challenging or I’m simply stuck in a rut. I embrace the time I’ve been given to stop and look around. The difficulty I have trying to think is usually a blessing in disguise… It forces me to STOP thinking. And for me, that can be a good thing.

I believe my body somehow knows when I’m getting too mired in my own thoughts to notice the little things and figures out a way to slow me down as best it can. So today I am feeling grateful to be getting better. I am grateful to be breathing easier. And I am grateful to have been sick.

I wish I remembered to notice all the little things each and every day, but I don’t. I try. I think I’m doing better than I used to, and could do better still. I am taking time again to notice the little things. To take an extra moment to see or hear something I’d usually overlook.

  • The greens and yellow of the leaves in our house plants… and one leaf is even tinged with a deep red. Beautiful.
  • The texture and taste of a home-cooked meal (or chocolate chip cookie) on my tongue.
  • The way the sun reflects off the ice as I’m running through the mountains.
  • The feel of rough granite beneath my fingertips.
  • The warmth of the sun on a crisp day.
  • An extra moment taken to look into a child’s eyes as they tell me a story. And really hear what they’re saying. I smile.
  • Stopping for a moment during a run to look around, grateful for the beauty of winter.
  • A second taken to look into the eyes of a homeless man and greet him with a smile.

I invite you to take an extra moment today to notice something small. It may alter the direction of your day.

 

 


Just over a year ago, at the precipice of 2008, I felt ready for a year of risk and wonder. I found two quotes that seemed to capture my intentions for the upcoming year perfectly:

 

be amazed. “As I started looking, I found more and more.” ~Valerie Steel 

I wanted to remind myself that life isn’t always about what is visible. I believe there are so many hidden treasures that only appear when one is ready to see them… and I knew my busy life was not conducive to seeing all that was available to me. I wanted to slow down, to have the time to observe the world around me and revel in each moment. I wasn’t comfortable with the thought that I might be missing something important because I was preoccupied with surviving.

 

 

be alive. “The purpose of life is to live it, to taste experience to the utmost, to reach out eagerly and without fear for newer and richer experience.” ~Eleanor Roosevelt 

Looking into 2008, I was anticipating newness. I felt a strong desire to distance myself from the known entity that was my career path and branch out. I knew that the relationship with Bracken that had begun to flourish in 2007 would grow and become even more in 2008—and I didn’t want to miss a moment of it. And I planned to push my physical boundaries and run a 40-mile trail race.

 


As 2009 begins, I am taking stock of all I experienced in 2008. I feel confident that I succeeded in my goals. I took risks. Some bigger than others. Some physical, some emotional and some spiritual.
 
I grew up in a “safe” family. Adventure was admired, but from a distance. Education, reading, music—these were the areas of expansion that were readily encouraged. Steady jobs were expected. Physical activities were limited to those that you could participate in (supervised) with the least amount of harm. Decisions were made only after extensive research and preparation. I have rebelled in my own way over the years against this approach, but always within the confines of my own comfort level.

In 2008 I made the decision to quit a job that no longer felt right. (You can read more about it in this post.) I have no regrets, but the journey and experience of no income, no crystal-clear insight into what I want to focus on next, has been challenging. I have spent a lot of time thinking and ruminating and wondering. I have felt fear (of failing; of succeeding; of mediocrity). I have felt excitement and pride (for taking the action in the first place). And I’ve felt stuck and inert (once I’d taken that first step, I found the next few rather hard to navigate).

2008 also brought forth incredible gratitude and appreciation. Bracken proposed in August and I cannot articulate enough how his love, support and encouragement has been a grounding presence in my life.

Other highlights from 2008:

  • I ran my first ultra marathon in February, completing the Mt. Mitchell Challenge in 8 hours and 21 minutes. It climbs the tallest mountain east of the Mississippi (at 6,684′) from the town of Black Mountain, NC.
  • I completed my certification as a Wilderness First Responder (WFR), laying the groundwork for more backcountry experiences.
  • I did a lot of climbing inside (The Spot) and outside (Boulder Canyon, Moab, Shelf Road, Smith Rock), led my first 5.8 route (5 Gallon Buckets) and climbed my first 10a.
  • I moved into a new apartment in July, purging and redefining what ‘things’ were important to me in my life.
  • I summitted three 14ers (Mt. of the Holy Cross, Mt. Evans and Mt. Bierstadt) in August. The first one was part of my solo backcountry trip on my birthday. 
  • I spent the summer running “for fun” and had a blast. I really loved the freedom of running without a race goal to train for.
  • I had the opportunity to co-guide a 5-day trip to Moab with The Women’s Wilderness Institute. What an amazing experience… and learned that I want to do more of this in some capacity. (I couldn’t have done this without the WFR training!)
  • I started this blog in October.
  • I traveled. Not working certainly freed up time to recreate and visit both my family and Bracken’s.
2008 has been an incredible year of change and growth. I have shed layers of my past and made room for new experiences and beliefs. Through the challenges and tears (many, many tears), I know I am stronger and more capable than ever, with the ability to step into 2009 gracefully, full of optimism and passion for what lies ahead. It’s gonna be a big year. 


I woke up early for a run this morning. It was 27º when I left the apartment and 25º when I returned. The sky was overcast gray. The chill air was still; the wind absent; light, fluffy snow flakes wafted down from the sky.


As I ran over the rocky trail, the cold nipped my fingers, froze my nose and numbed my cheeks. It was beautiful. The 7.6 miles on trail felt easy and effortless. My body invigorated, my soul happy and grateful to be able to enjoy the movement of my legs beneath me.

The brown earth beside me; the rocks below; the grasses showing yellow through the thin layer of snow. The feel of the air and color of the sky was the same at 9:30am as it had been at 8:00am. 

The only change I noticed was me. I was colder and more awake. I felt like I had just run though magic, where time stood still. 


Today, as I was in the kitchen cleaning up the flour that inevitably gets everywhere when I make rolls, I thought about the Thanksgiving memories of my childhood: the traveling to visit family; the getting together and mingling of new additions through birth and marriage; the smell of the turkey and potatoes wafting over me as I entered Grandmom’s house; the lively chaos of the kitchen as we all bump into each other as we get the food ready, making sure the timing is just right; the sound of the football game playing in the background; the warmth of the small apartment with everyone crowded in; the stories shared over dinner; the laughter; the closeness of family. 

It’s been a long time since I’ve experienced that kind of familial chaos. My grandmother passed away, the cousins have their own families and we’ve all grown up and established our own traditions. I love getting together in Colorado with the friends I’ve come to think of as family. This year, Bracken and I are spending a quiet Thanksgiving with two dear friends in Boulder.

We’re both bringing something to contribute to the meal and it didn’t dawn on me until I was cleaning up, the significance of our personal contributions. 

I chose to bake Grandmom’s rolls. They’re made from scratch and I always got to help brush the melted butter on top right before they went into the oven and felt so proud and helpful (and besides, they’re really good!). 

Bracken is baking his mother’s famous danish apple bars for dessert. It’s her special recipe and he hasn’t had them in years. 

Both women have passed, and we won’t have the chance to meet the other and experience the traditions each fostered in their homes for this holiday. Yet we’ve both chosen a favorite recipe, rich with tradition and special meaning to introduce to each other. And by extension, we are introducing a part of those we love to each other as well, folding each of us into the family of the other.

I find this idea incredibly beautiful and meaningful. And I am enormously grateful.

This weekend I am filled with incredible gratitude for the friends that surround me today. Over the years I have experienced the pain of growing apart from childhood friends. I have cried at the rejection of people I’d hoped to become friends with. And I’ve felt the heartache when it’s me that had to end an unhealthy relationship. Friends are precious and are made up of people we meet along the road of life and gather into our worlds. We choose them to become a part of our lives. 

 

Over the past months, I’ve gone through (and am still immersed) enormous changes in my life. I’ve made decisions and choices others have discouraged me from making, or disapprove of from a distance, or more commonly, they simply don’t understand or relate to what I’m experiencing. 

But I’ve realized that those people aren’t the ones I seek for support. My friends are. They simply care that I’m happy. That I’m living a life that’s true to my values and beliefs. They want the best for me and react toward me without judgment or discrimination. They jump in to help. They rally around and ask questions as to why. They are genuinely curious as to what brought me to my decisions. They delve into my world to find out more about me–with the purpose to help me reach my goals.

Instead of saying, “How are you going to do that?” in a voice laden with disparagement or disbelief,  I hear,  ”Let’s figure out how to help make that happen for you” and “How can I help you?” and “What do you need from me?”

It’s an amazing feelings to realize you are not alone. In fact, you have tons of support and people cheering for you and running along beside you. I cannot express my gratitude enough. An image of my friends trooping ahead of me through the rain-soaked willows of Mt. Bierstadt this summer, shoes slurping up the mud from the trail, grinning and laughing after a 12-hour hike comes to mind. That day I was overwhelmed with gratitude. 


 

 

I am grateful for and admire my friends that are honest with themselves, and have no hesitations to speak their personal truths. From them, I have learned to speak my truth louder and know acceptance.

I am grateful for and admire my friends who are compassionate. Both with each other and especially with themselves. Through them, I have recognized the value of being kind and patient with myself.

I am grateful for and admire my friends who listen. From them, I have learned to appreciate silence and know I do not need to raise my voice above anyone else to be heard. We all have a space to speak and be heard.

I am grateful for and admire my friends who ask questions and challenge. From them I have witnessed lively discussions without judgment, curiosity without agenda.

I am grateful for and admire my friends who laugh. Great big, silly, belly laughs. One cannot get enough of that.

I am grateful for and admire my friends. 

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